Elon Musk Rebrands U.S. Education as DOLT: "Because Not Everyone Needs High School"

 

Washington, DC - In a bold, unprecedented move, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk has successfully convinced Congress to dissolve the Department of Education and replace it with a revolutionary new system: the Department of Online Learning and Training, or DOLT.

Musk, speaking from a Neuralink-powered teleprompter, announced that traditional schooling was

“outdated and inefficient” and that the future of education lies in an AI-powered, online-only model that ends at the 8th grade—because, as he put it, “That’s really all most people need for, like, making sandwiches or stocking shelves.”

The DOLT System: AI-Generated Education, but Less of It

DOLT promises a streamlined, cost-effective way to prepare America’s youth for the workforce. All students are enrolled in Musk Academy, an entirely virtual learning environment powered by X.AI, Musk’s latest artificial intelligence system designed to “teach, test, and track” students with complete efficiency—and minimal human oversight.

Students attend AI-generated lectures, take algorithmically graded quizzes, and complete real-world training through Musk Micro-Apprenticeships, where they gain hands-on experience in industries such as fast food service, warehouse stocking, and social media content moderation.

Under the new structure, students who demonstrate above-average intelligence have a chance to enter an elite advanced program called HyperIQ, which allows them to continue their education only if they prove themselves valuable to the system. Those who pass a rigorous series of AI-administered exams are fast-tracked into fields like engineering, space exploration, or cryptocurrency management.

“If you’re smart, you’ll go far,” Musk explained. “If you’re not… well, someone’s gotta make the fries.”

AI Decides Your Future—Fair and Balanced!

Unlike outdated models where teachers and guidance counselors provided career advice, DOLT removes bias by letting AI decide a student’s future. The Smart Sort™ algorithm scans student data—test scores, social media activity, and overall compliance with Musk’s X platform—to place them into the most “productive” career path.

“Every student will have an optimized future,” Musk assured. “DOLT doesn’t just educate, it allocates.”

Critics Voice Concerns, Musk Responds with Meme

Critics argue that DOLT’s AI-driven structure inherently creates a two-tiered society where only the exceptionally gifted can escape minimum-wage jobs. Some worry that handing over the nation’s education system to Musk’s AI empire could lead to serious ethical concerns.

In response, Musk tweeted an image of a stick figure in a McDonald’s uniform with the caption: “If you don’t like it, just be smarter. Lol.”

A Future Powered by DOLT

With traditional public schools shutting down across the country, millions of students have already logged in to their first day of Musk Academy, eager to see where X.AI’s algorithm will place them. Whether America’s workforce will flourish under DOLT or collapse into a dystopian nightmare remains to be seen, but one thing is certain—education will never be the same again.

And according to Musk, that’s exactly the point.

Disclaimer: This is purely satire and should be taken as such—unless, of course, you choose not to. While fictional, it’s no more far-fetched than some of the wild theories about Elon Musk and DOGE that others have seriously entertained. 

Written by BNN staff