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Washington, D.C., June 5, 2025 — In a move that shocked absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, President Donald J. Trump announced today that billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk will be deported to “South America, or maybe Canada first, I don’t know, we’ll figure it out.” The executive order, scrawled on a Big Mac wrapper and signed with a Sharpie, cites Musk’s “weird accent” and “too many rockets” as national security threats. “Elon, great guy, tremendous guy, but he’s gotta go back where he came from,” Trump declared at a Mar-a-Lago press conference, flanked by a golden statue of himself holding a taco bowl. “South Africa, South America, same difference. He’s not American enough. Sad!” The announcement came after weeks of escalating tensions between the two larger-than-life figures, reportedly sparked when Musk’s X platform refused to boost Trump’s posts about the "One Big Beautiful Bill Act", and his new “TrumpCoin” cryptocurrency, which crashed after being revealed ...

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has shocked bureaucrats and delighted meme-makers everywhere, Elon Musk has secured an exclusive government contract requiring all federal and state vehicles to be Tesla, because why let anyone else make cars when you can just force America to buy yours? This deal, approved under mysterious circumstances (some say a DOGE-fueled handshake in a secret Twitter Space), eliminates all competition for light trucks and passenger vehicles, effectively making Tesla the nation’s official ride. But as expected, things are not going well. A Nation in Flames (Literally) Since rolling out the new fleet, law enforcement agencies across the country have reported unprecedented issues. Police Teslas have spontaneously combusted during high-speed chases, causing officers to wonder if they’re catching criminals or auditioning for a Michael Bay film. Others have run out of battery mid-pursuit, leading to some rather anticlimactic arrests: "We almost had him, b...

  WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking development that has left the highest levels of government scrambling, the White House has officially run out of executive order blanks.  The crisis unfolded after former President Donald J. Trump, now back in office through what he calls "the most historic, most legal, and very, very powerful" re-election in history, signed his 89th executive order in just a matter of weeks. Initially, officials believed there was a simple clerical error—perhaps a missing shipment of blank orders buried beneath a pile of unopened subpoenas. But the reality was far worse: The White House’s supply of executive order forms had been manufactured in Canada, and due to ongoing tariff disputes, the Canadian government has officially stopped exporting them to the United States. “This is the worst case of political sabotage in history,” Trump declared in a hastily called press conference. “I mean, I’ve done some very big orders, folks—huge orders, historic orders...