Trump Orders Elon Musk Deported to "South America via Canada," Musk Responds with Chaos and Canadian Dreams

Washington, D.C., June 5, 2025 — In a move that shocked absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, President Donald J. Trump announced today that billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk will be deported to “South America, or maybe Canada first, I don’t know, we’ll figure it out.” The executive order, scrawled on a Big Mac wrapper and signed with a Sharpie, cites Musk’s “weird accent” and “too many rockets” as national security threats. “Elon, great guy, tremendous guy, but he’s gotta go back where he came from,” Trump declared at a Mar-a-Lago press conference, flanked by a golden statue of himself holding a taco bowl. “South Africa, South America, same difference. He’s not American enough. Sad!”

The announcement came after weeks of escalating tensions between the two larger-than-life figures, reportedly sparked when Musk’s X platform refused to boost Trump’s posts about the "One Big Beautiful Bill Act", and his new “TrumpCoin” cryptocurrency, which crashed after being revealed as a rebranded Dogecoin knockoff. “Elon’s disloyal, very disloyal,” Trump fumed. “He thinks he’s smarter than me. Nobody’s smarter than me. I invented electric cars. People don’t know that.”

Musk’s Canadian Escape Plan: “Maple Syrup and Megafactories”

Rather than fight the deportation order, Musk announced he’s embracing Canada as his new home, claiming Prime Minister Mark Carney, personally welcomed him with “open arms, a Tim Hortons gift card, and a promise to streamline all my businesses.” In a post on X, Musk wrote, “Canada’s got poutine, hockey, and no Trump. I’m in. ” Sources confirm Carney, offered Musk expedited permits to relocate Tesla, SpaceX, and Neuralink to Ontario, with a special tax break if he builds a factory shaped like a maple leaf.

Musk wasted no time turning the screws on the U.S. In a gleefully unhinged press conference from a Tim Hortons parking lot in Toronto, he declared that all Tesla vehicles in the U.S. would now “only work at peak performance in Canada” due to a software update that makes them play Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” at full volume when crossing the border southbound. “Good luck selling your Cybertrucks in Florida,” Musk taunted, sipping a double-double. He also announced that Starlink would charge U.S. users an additional $200 monthly “patriot tax” while offering free high-speed internet to every Canadian household. “It’s time for Americans to feel the pain of buffering,” he said, stroking a hockey stick.

Trump’s Tirades: “Elon’s a Loser, Canada’s a Dump”

Trump, never one to let a slight go unanswered, took to Truth Social to unleash a barrage of increasingly unhinged rants. “Elon’s a nobody, a total loser, his rockets are fake, they’re just big candles,” he posted at 3 a.m. “Canada’s a communist hellhole, nobody wants to live there, it’s colder than Hillary’s heart.” In a Fox News interview, he claimed Musk’s deportation was “a genius move, the best move, like Christopher Columbus sending people back to Spain, or wherever.” When asked about Musk’s South African origin, Trump doubled down: “South Africa, South America, same thing. It’s all below Florida, folks.”

Insiders report Trump is furious about Musk’s Canadian pivot, especially after learning that SpaceX’s Starship program is being rebranded as “MapleStar” with a logo featuring a beaver in a spacesuit. “He’s stealing my space force!” Trump reportedly yelled, throwing a Diet Coke at a portrait of himself. He’s also demanded that Canada “pay for the wall” along the U.S.-Canada border to “keep Musk’s robots out.”

Musk Drops the Epstein Bombshell

In a move that sent shockwaves through the political world, Musk escalated the feud by releasing what he claims are “all the Epstein Island videos and documents” on X, naming every individual allegedly involved with Jeffrey Epstein’s notorious activities. The data dump, dubbed “EpsteinGate,” includes grainy footage purportedly showing Trump dancing with underage girls at Epstein’s Little Saint James, alongside documents alleging his deep involvement in the financier’s schemes. “I have everything,” Musk tweeted, attaching a meme of himself as Thanos snapping his fingers. “Colossus, my AI supercomputer, doesn’t lie.”

The release has sparked chaos, with #EpsteinGate trending worldwide and politicians, celebrities, and business tycoons scrambling to deny involvement. Trump dismissed the allegations as “fake news, the fakest, nobody fakes better than me.” He claimed the videos were “AI-generated by Crooked Joe Biden’s Deep State” and insisted he was only on Epstein’s island to “inspect the golf course, beautiful course, nobody inspects better than me.”

Musk’s Colossus Threat: “I Have All Your Secrets”

Musk didn’t stop at Epstein. In a chilling video call from an undisclosed Canadian igloo, he claimed to have accessed sensitive data from the U.S. Treasury, Social Security Administration, Pentagon, CIA, FBI, and even the mysterious DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency, which Trump insists is “the best department, nobody’s ever heard of it”). “Colossus has it all,” Musk said, grinning maniacally. “Every tax return, every classified memo, every email about Roswell. You name it, I’ve got it.” He hinted at releasing the data unless Trump rescinds the deportation order, adding, “I could make Canada the most powerful nation on Earth with one upload.”

When asked about DOGE, Musk laughed. “Trump thinks it’s a department. It’s just a meme coin I pumped to mess with him. But sure, I’ve got that data too.”

Canada’s New Warlord? Musk’s Weaponized Dreams

In perhaps his most audacious move, Musk threatened to “weaponize Canada” using SpaceX and

his Optimus robots. “I’m building a Maple Megatron,” he tweeted, sharing a mock-up of a giant robot holding a hockey stick and a Molson. He claimed SpaceX could launch “peacekeeping satellites” to enforce Canadian sovereignty, while Neuralink would “make every Canadian smarter than a Harvard professor.”, Carney, visibly confused, issued a statement saying, “We appreciate Elon’s enthusiasm, but we’re good with our current military, eh.”

Analysts warn that Musk’s relocation could shift global tech dominance to Canada, with Tesla’s new “PolarCybertruck” already outselling U.S. models. Meanwhile, Trump has vowed to “build a bigger rocket than Elon’s, the best rocket, it’ll have my face on it.” As the feud escalates, the world watches to see if Musk’s Canadian gambit will reshape geopolitics or just give us free Wi-Fi and the second season of Andor.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and should not be taken as factual reporting. None of this is true, but no more crazy that what others claim is real news on Trump and Musk, and the events described are fictional. Unless you think they are real. Written by BNN staff - BNN makes absolutely ZERO money off these articles