Idaho Begins "Less-Lethal" Firing Squad Tests on Death Row Inmates

 

Idaho Begins "Less-Lethal" Firing Squad Tests on Death Row Inmates, Testing Goes as Well as Expected

BOISE, ID – Idaho is making history in the worst way possible, officially becoming the first state in modern America to bring back the firing squad as its primary execution method. But before the state can start fatally shooting inmates with live rounds, officials say they must conduct "comprehensive testing" to ensure that everything runs as smoothly as a government-run execution firing squad possibly can.

Their solution? Using death row inmates as test subjects for their cutting-edge remote-operated firing squad system—except, for now, they’re swapping out real bullets for less-lethal riot rounds. The idea, according to officials, is that these inmates will help Idaho’s Department of Corrections perfect the “mechanized” execution system without the messy inconvenience of actual death.

Testing Phase Kicks Off with Minor—But Totally Expected—Incidents

The first round of testing began last week, and officials insist that most sessions have gone "relatively well." That being said, a few minor hiccups have already emerged, including:

• The system mistaking a warden for an inmate – After the remote-operated system detected “suspicious movement” during a routine test, the prison’s assistant warden was nearly executed in a tragic case of mistaken identity. Fortunately, the system’s algorithm only fired bean bag rounds, leaving him with nothing more than a bruised ego and three cracked ribs.
  
• 
  
  A test subject dying—just not from gunfire – One death row inmate, Thomas “not from Saved By The Bell” Creech, collapsed from a massive heart attack after his 12th “non-lethal” firing
  squad experience. Prison officials insist his death was “completely unrelated” to the daily stress of being strapped to a chair while an automated turret sprayed him with rubber bullets and bean-bag rounds. “We think it was just his time,” said an IDOC spokesperson.
• Weapons misfire during staff meeting – Officials were reviewing footage of the previous day’s test when the remote firing system suddenly “engaged” on its own. Several guards were left limping after being hit with bean-bag rounds and rubber bullets, leading one senior officer to comment: “Honestly, I think the system is just angry at us.”

Introducing the "Firing Squad Technician" Position—Now Hiring!

In an effort to create "good-paying jobs," Idaho is now accepting applications for its first-ever Firing Squad Technician role. The job description includes:
✔ Overseeing and maintaining the remote firing system
✔ Calibrating the turret to aim mostly at the right people
✔ Resetting the system in case it goes rogue (which it has, multiple times already)
✔ Being comfortable with high-speed rubber projectile impacts to the face

Starting salary? $15 an hour and a Kevlar vest.

Public Reaction & Political Debate

Governor Brad Little, who signed the bill into law, defended the testing process. “This is a responsible, forward-thinking way to ensure our executions are as humane and accurate as possible,” he stated, shortly before dodging a stray bean bag round during a facility tour.

Meanwhile, state lawmakers have suggested that perhaps testing on human beings, even ones sentenced to death, isn’t the greatest look. But Rep. Bruce Skaug, the bill’s sponsor, shrugged off criticism. “We could have used crash test dummies, but let’s be honest—those things are expensive, and Idaho’s got a budget to balance.”

What’s Next?

Despite the "minor setbacks," Idaho remains committed to launching fully automated firing squad executions by 2026. Until then, testing will continue with riot rounds, and possibly, "strongly worded letters of disapproval."

Prison officials are now working on implementing a “failsafe” for the remote system after an AI consultant suggested that “giving an automated gun full control over life-or-death decisions might have a few ethical and logistical issues.”

For now, Idaho’s correctional staff remains hopeful that the bugs will be worked out before real bullets are introduced. As one anonymous officer put it:

"Look, at the end of the day, this is Idaho. The biggest question isn’t ‘Should we use a firing squad?’ It’s ‘How the hell did it take us this long to bring it back?’"  ~ Department of Correction spokesperson Sanda Kuzeta-Cerimagic

Disclaimer: This is purely satire and should be taken as such—unless, of course, you choose not to. While fictional, it’s no more far-fetched than some of the wild theories that others have seriously entertained. 

Written by BNN staff