Kid Rock Named Head of Newly Formed U.S. Department of Modern Music



WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left both music historians and foreign policy experts scratching their heads, President Donald J. Trump has announced the creation of the U.S. Department of Modern Music and has appointed none other than Kid Rock as its first director.

“I’ve known a lot of musicians. Great musicians. But let me tell you, nobody—NOBODY—knows more about music than Kid Rock,” Trump said at a press conference while sipping a Diet Coke and nodding along to Cowboy. “People say, ‘Mr. President, shouldn’t we get someone from Juilliard?’ No! Juilliard’s full of liberals! We need a real American. Someone with talent. Someone with a truck. And folks, Kid Rock is that guy.”

A New National Anthem: ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ is Out

One of Kid Rock’s first official duties as head of the department will be rewriting the National


Anthem, because, as Trump put it, “Nobody knows the words anyway.”

“I mean, have you ever heard people try to sing it? They don’t know it! They mumble through the first part, and by the time they get to ‘the rockets’ red glare,’ they’re just guessing,” Trump explained. “But Kid Rock? He’s got it covered. He’s a poet. He’s like Shakespeare, but cooler.”

The new anthem, tentatively titled Born Free (But More Free Than Ever), will reportedly feature a guitar solo that lasts exactly 1776 seconds, backup vocals from Ted Nugent, and a breakdown section where everyone is required to shotgun a beer and scream ‘U-S-A!’

Trump and Musk Commission Kid Rock for War Ballads

But Kid Rock’s responsibilities don’t stop at revamping America’s patriotic soundtrack. In preparation for Trump’s planned invasion of Canada and Elon Musk’s takeover of Greenland, both leaders have commissioned original battle hymns to inspire the troops.

Musk’s anthem for his “Cybernetic Crusade” against Denmark (which is refusing to hand over


Greenland, soon to be renamed Muskland) is rumored to feature auto-tuned Viking chants and sound effects from Tesla electric motors.

Meanwhile, Trump’s war march for the invasion of Canada (to be renamed the United Providences of Trump, or UPT) will feature bagpipes, electric guitars, and a gospel choir chanting ‘Make Canada Great Again.’

“They’ve been getting away with too much for too long—maple syrup, politeness, that weird bacon that isn’t really bacon,” Trump said. “We’re going to liberate Canada. And trust me, when Kid Rock plays that anthem over the battlefield, the Mounties won’t stand a chance.”

Poutine to Be Renamed ‘Putin’ in Honor of Vladimir Putin

One of the first cultural changes coming to UPT will be the renaming of poutine to ‘Putin’, in honor of Russian President Vladimir Putin, whom Trump referred to as “a very strong, very powerful guy—one of the best.”

“We’ve got to show respect,” Trump said. “He’s been a great friend, a great leader. And quite frankly, ‘Putin’ sounds better than ‘poutine’ anyway. It just does.”

Musk Declares Himself King of Muskland, But Who Will Rule UPT?


While Musk has already declared himself King of Muskland, Trump has yet to announce who will rule over the newly annexed United Providences of Trump. However, insiders speculate that his son, Barron Trump, is being considered for the throne.

“Barron is a very tall, very strong young man. He’s got the look of a king. People are saying it. A lot of people,” Trump said. “But we’re keeping our options open. Maybe I’ll be King. Maybe Kid Rock will be the Rock 'n’ Roll Emperor. You never know.”

When asked for comment, Kid Rock took a sip of whiskey, fired a shotgun into the air, and simply yelled, “LET’S GOOOOO!”

The Future of Music and Global Domination

With Trump, Musk, and Kid Rock shaping the future of America’s music, military, and geopolitical landscape, experts say 2025 is shaping up to be the most unpredictable year in history.

But one thing is for certain: the new National Anthem will be played at full volume, and it will absolutely shred. 

Disclaimer: This is purely satire and should be taken as such—unless, of course, you choose not to. While fictional, it’s no more far-fetched than some of the actual events happening in the US today.

Written by BNN staff 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Elon Musk Rebrands U.S. Education as DOLT: "Because Not Everyone Needs High School"

Image
  Washington, DC - In a bold, unprecedented move, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk has successfully convinced Congress to dissolve the Department of Education and replace it with a revolutionary new system: the Department of Online Learning and Training , or DOLT . Musk, speaking from a Neuralink-powered teleprompter, announced that traditional schooling was “outdated and inefficient” and that the future of education lies in an AI-powered, online-only model that ends at the 8th grade—because, as he put it, “That’s really all most people need for, like, making sandwiches or stocking shelves.” The DOLT System: AI-Generated Education, but Less of It DOLT promises a streamlined, cost-effective way to prepare America’s youth for the workforce. All students are enrolled in Musk Academy , an entirely virtual learning environment powered by X.AI , Musk’s latest artificial intelligence system designed to “teach, test, and track” students with complete efficiency—and minimal human ov...
Read more

The Tail of Two Bryans - Bryan's Identical Twin

Image
Moscow, ID, - These days, everyone has some theory about Bryan Kohberger, but the identical twin story is spot on. It supposedly explains some of his more cryptic statements, like when he asked if anyone else had been arrested and his eerie "I'm here to help you." The story goes like this: Bryan, at some point, discovered a dark family secret. His mother had given away one of her identical twin boys at birth, Aryan Christopher Kohberger, with little to no paper trail. It was a closed adoption, one of those backdoor deals that left no official record. Anonymous hospital staff told us that the mom, in her drug induced confusion after having twins, had named both boys Ryan Christopher. To tell them apart, hospital staff had simply put an A for one, and a B for the other. This somehow transferred to their birth certificates as Aryan and Bryan. Nevertheless, something in Bryan must have felt the missing connection, a pull toward an unknown part of himself. Being obsessi...
Read more

Idaho Begins "Less-Lethal" Firing Squad Tests on Death Row Inmates

Image
  Idaho Begins "Less-Lethal" Firing Squad Tests on Death Row Inmates, Testing Goes as Well as Expected BOISE, ID – Idaho is making history in the worst way possible, officially becoming the first state in modern America to bring back the firing squad as its primary execution method. But before the state can start fatally shooting inmates with live rounds, officials say they must conduct "comprehensive testing" to ensure that everything runs as smoothly as a government-run execution firing squad possibly can. Their solution? Using death row inmates as test subjects for their cutting-edge remote-operated firing squad system —except, for now, they’re swapping out real bullets for less-lethal riot rounds. The idea, according to officials, is that these inmates will help Idaho’s Department of Corrections perfect the “mechanized” execution system without the messy inconvenience of actual death. Testing Phase Kicks Off with Minor—But Totally Expected—Incidents The fi...
Read more