Where’s Joe? The Post-Presidency Adventures of Joe Biden (And the Secret Service Agents Trying to Keep Up)
WASHINGTON, D.C. – It has been several weeks since Joe Biden left the White House, but if you ask him, he might not be entirely sure that he did.
At 6:30 AM on a brisk Wednesday morning, a group of White House gardeners were startled when they discovered the former president standing on the South Lawn in his bathrobe, holding a flashlight, and whispering, “Malarkey… malarkey everywhere.” When approached by Secret Service, Biden reportedly pointed at the White House and yelled, "Who let that guy in my house?!" referring, of course, to Donald Trump.
“We have a situation,” one agent was heard saying into his earpiece. “Eagle has landed on the wrong timeline again.”
Secret Service’s Newest Nightmare: Keeping Up with Joe
For most former presidents, the Secret Service’s job is straightforward: keep them safe, secure, and on schedule. But for Biden’s security detail, the job has become more of an Olympic-level scavenger hunt.
“Honestly, we thought post-presidency would be easier,” one agent admitted under condition of anonymity. “We protected him at international summits, through high-level negotiations… but nothing could have prepared us for Joe sneaking off during a morning walk and ending up at a McDonald’s drive-thru, trying to order an ‘Obama Burger.’”
Last week, agents were forced to physically remove him from a Southwest Airlines flight after he wandered onto the tarmac, insisting he was boarding Air Force One. “Sir, this is not your plane,” one agent said firmly, to which Biden reportedly replied, “Malarkey! I’ll be in first class.”
"Where's the guy with the nuclear football?" he asked a confused baggage handler before being gently guided away by his security detail. "And why's the pilot wearing a Hawaiian shirt?"
The TSA security footage later showed a group of confused passengers watching as Secret Service wrestled a still-insisting Biden away from Gate C23.
Showing Up at the Wrong Events (And His Agents Cleaning Up the Mess)
Now that Biden is represented by a Hollywood talent agency, his calendar is filled with high-profile speaking engagements—assuming he can make it to the right one.
Just last Friday, instead of delivering a speech at a global climate summit, Biden crashed a Bar Mitzvah in New Jersey, spending ten minutes congratulating 13-year-old Daniel Goldstein on "a great campaign."
“We tried to intervene earlier,” groaned one exhausted agent. “But every time we move him, he just starts shaking hands with more people. It’s like trying to catch a golden retriever in a petting zoo.”
One agent even confided that they had to gently nudge Biden away from cutting the ribbon at a 7- Eleven opening, thinking it was the dedication of a new public library. “Folks, let me tell you, books are the foundation of democracy,” Biden said proudly, before shaking the hand of a bewildered cashier and declaring, “This is what Build Back Better looks like.” "We can't let him near big scissors anymore," the agent sighed.
Jill Biden, meanwhile, has been doing her best to keep track of her husband. “I looked away for five minutes to schedule a book tour, and next thing I know, Joe's on the phone congratulating Elon Musk on winning the 2024 election," she told reporters. “I had to remind him that’s not what happened. Again.”
Nap Patrol: A New Secret Service Duty
Another unexpected challenge? Keeping Biden from napping in public.
Reports have surfaced of him dozing off in increasingly unusual places:
- A bench at the National Mall, where he was found with an ice cream cone still in his hand.
- The front row of a Broadway show, where he briefly interrupted Hamilton by shouting “Corn Pop was a bad dude!” in his sleep.
- A high school graduation ceremony where he briefly joined the faculty lineup, handing out diplomas and congratulating students on "winning the Senate race."
“It’s not that he naps,” said one agent. “It’s where he naps. Do you know how hard it is to explain to security why a former U.S. president is curled up on a couch in a Macy’s home goods section?”
What’s Next for Biden? (And His Agents Who Are Losing Their Minds)
With his post-presidency career still taking shape, speculation abounds on what Biden will do next. Some believe he’ll start a podcast. Others suspect he may accidentally wander onto a Jeopardy! set and start answering in full paragraphs.
Despite the chaos, Biden remains optimistic about the future. “Look, folks,” he said, during an impromptu press conference held in the middle of a Costco sample station. “America’s gonna be just fine. As soon as I find my car keys and figure out where I’m supposed to be, we’re gonna Build Back Better than ever.”
Until then, the Secret Service remains on high alert, tracking Biden’s movements like a wayward Roomba. His agents have adapted their strategy, now carrying emergency maps, an ice cream bribe, and an air horn for when he wanders off too far.
So, if you see a group of men in dark suits sprinting through a Walmart, dodging carts, and yelling, “Sir, PLEASE stop giving that speech to the mannequins,” just know—it’s another day on the job for the hardest-working security detail in America.
Disclaimer: This is purely satire and should be taken as such—unless, of course, you choose not to. While it is fictional, it’s not meant to be taken seriously.
Written by BNN staff
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