Trump’s Executive Orders Now Dictate Fast Food Menus, McDonald’s Struggles to Keep Up

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald J. Trump has long been known for his fine dining preferences, which primarily consist of McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut, and an endless supply of Diet Coke. But sources inside Mar-a-Lago (and several White House deep fryers still running at full capacity) confirm that Trump has taken his culinary obsessions to a whole new level.

After being informed that Colonel Sanders passed away in 1980, a visibly shaken Trump attempted to appoint Ronald McDonald as his personal White House nutritionist. However, when aides explained that Ronald was merely a fictional character, Trump reportedly turned to the sky and whispered, "Ronald was a great man, a really great man, folks. The best. They don't make 'em like him anymore."

Undeterred, Trump issued an official demand that McDonald’s executives Beth Hart and Morgan Flatley report to the White House immediately to serve as his personal fast food advisors. McDonald’s has yet to comment, though sources say employees nationwide are already bracing for a potential crisis.

Fast Food at the White House & Beyond

Trump, who once installed a Diet Coke button in the Oval Office, has now reportedly upped the ante. A new button installed on his Ova Office desk summon a variety of fast food deliveries on command. One staffer confirmed there are now plans for separate buttons for a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder, a bucket of KFC, and, most controversially, a “bring me McRib” button – despite the sandwich being seasonal.

In fact, one of Trump’s next proposed executive orders includes forcing McDonald's to sell the McRib year-round and even as a breakfast item. “Nobody wants a McMuffin. Sad. Disgusting. What do we want? A McRib. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner,” Trump allegedly ranted to an aide.

To further streamline his meal prep, Trump has also suggested that major fast food chains open exclusive locations inside the White House. According to preliminary blueprints, a portion of the White House kitchen would be converted into a personal McDonald’s, while the Situation Room would double as a KFC/Pizza Hut test kitchen. Air Force One, which is already being modified to accommodate a personal golf simulator, is expected to feature a full-service walk-up window for mid-flight meals and snacks.

The McMusk: A New Trump-Elon Collaboration

In what some are calling a historic business deal, Trump has teamed up with his self-declared "best

good buddy," Elon Musk, to create a brand-new McDonald’s menu item: The McMusk. The sandwich, reportedly a fusion of “the best of American innovation and extreme capitalism,” features a steak patty and a fresh egg sandwiched between two glazed donuts.

The McMusk will be served with steak fries and coffee, while its Happy Meal counterpart will come with a toy Cybertruck and a pamphlet titled “Not Everyone Needs High School”—a guide detailing how Musk’s DOLT (Department of Online Learning & Trades) program will supply an endless workforce of 8th-grade graduates trained exclusively to operate deep fryers and Tesla production lines.

Attempts to Introduce Vegetables, Staff Rebellion Ensues

Despite the unwavering devotion of Trump’s inner circle, not all are thrilled with the all-fast-food diet. One anonymous staffer claims that White House aides previously attempted to sneak green vegetables onto his plate, only to be met with outrage. “He once mistook a piece of lettuce for a misplaced napkin and spent 30 minutes yelling about how Biden must have planted it there.”

Several aides have reportedly resigned after being forced to deep-fry salads in an attempt to make them more palatable. A particularly ambitious staffer suggested swapping his Diet Coke for water but was swiftly removed from the premises.

Looking Ahead

With rumors circulating that Trump may soon declare March 18th National Big Mac Day, political analysts are divided on what this means for the future of America’s dietary policies. What remains clear, however, is that since Trump has returned to the White House, it’s only a matter of time before Filet-O-Fish Fridays become federally mandated.

McDonald’s has yet to confirm whether it will comply with Trump’s demands, but insiders report that executives are already bracing for an influx of new federal orders. Meanwhile, Elon Musk has reportedly doubled down on his commitment to automating the restaurant industry, insisting that “AI-powered Ronald McDonald bots will soon be serving burgers, and quite frankly, that’s the future Americans voted for.”

As America waits to see what’s next, one thing is certain: The fries are never safe from being biglysized.

Disclaimer: This is purely satire and should be taken as such—unless, of course, you choose not to. While fictional, it’s no more far-fetched than some of the wild theories about Elon Musk, Tesla, and  Trump, that others have seriously entertained. 

Written by BNN staff