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Showing posts from March, 2025

Kid Rock Named Head of Newly Formed U.S. Department of Modern Music

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has left both music historians and foreign policy experts scratching their heads, President Donald J. Trump has announced the creation of the U.S. Department of Modern Music and has appointed none other than Kid Rock as its first director. “I’ve known a lot of musicians. Great musicians. But let me tell you, nobody—NOBODY—knows more about music than Kid Rock,” Trump said at a press conference while sipping a Diet Coke and nodding along to Cowboy . “People say, ‘Mr. President, shouldn’t we get someone from Juilliard?’ No! Juilliard’s full of liberals! We need a real American. Someone with talent. Someone with a truck. And folks, Kid Rock is that guy .” A New National Anthem: ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ is Out One of Kid Rock’s first official duties as head of the department will be rewriting the National Anthem , because, as Trump put it, “Nobody knows the words anyway.” “I mean, have you ever heard people try to sing it? They don’t know it! T...

Pentagon Blunder: Secret Greenland Invasion Plans Accidentally Broadcast to Hoboken Schools

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  Hoboken, NJ - In what analysts are calling "the most awkward military leak since the War of 1812," a classified Department of Defense video conference outlining the United States’ plan to forcibly annex Greenland was mistakenly broadcast to several elementary and middle schools in Hoboken, New Jersey. The video conference, originally intended for a private audience that included senior Pentagon officials, Trump, Musk, and military strategists, was somehow routed to a scheduled virtual meeting with Hoboken Mayor Ravinder Singh Bhalla. Instead of discussing local infrastructure projects and community initiatives, dozens of classrooms were treated to a top-secret discussion about America’s future "Operation Arctic Freedom." It Just Keeps Happening This marks the second major classified information leak in less than a week for the Trump administration, raising serious concerns about internal security. Just days ago, top national security officials accidentally texted...

Idaho Begins "Less-Lethal" Firing Squad Tests on Death Row Inmates

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  Idaho Begins "Less-Lethal" Firing Squad Tests on Death Row Inmates, Testing Goes as Well as Expected BOISE, ID – Idaho is making history in the worst way possible, officially becoming the first state in modern America to bring back the firing squad as its primary execution method. But before the state can start fatally shooting inmates with live rounds, officials say they must conduct "comprehensive testing" to ensure that everything runs as smoothly as a government-run execution firing squad possibly can. Their solution? Using death row inmates as test subjects for their cutting-edge remote-operated firing squad system —except, for now, they’re swapping out real bullets for less-lethal riot rounds. The idea, according to officials, is that these inmates will help Idaho’s Department of Corrections perfect the “mechanized” execution system without the messy inconvenience of actual death. Testing Phase Kicks Off with Minor—But Totally Expected—Incidents The fi...

Trump’s Executive Orders Now Dictate Fast Food Menus, McDonald’s Struggles to Keep Up

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald J. Trump has long been known for his fine dining preferences, which primarily consist of McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut, and an endless supply of Diet Coke. But sources inside Mar-a-Lago (and several White House deep fryers still running at full capacity) confirm that Trump has taken his culinary obsessions to a whole new level. After being informed that Colonel Sanders passed away in 1980, a visibly shaken Trump attempted to appoint Ronald McDonald as his personal White House nutritionist. However, when aides explained that Ronald was merely a fictional character, Trump reportedly turned to the sky and whispered, "Ronald was a great man, a really great man, folks. The best. They don't make 'em like him anymore." Undeterred, Trump issued an official demand that McDonald’s executives Beth Hart and Morgan Flatley report to the White House immediately to serve as his personal fast food advisors. McDonald’s has yet...

Elon’s Electric Empire: Tesla Takes Over Government Fleet Contracts

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has shocked bureaucrats and delighted meme-makers everywhere, Elon Musk has secured an exclusive government contract requiring all federal and state vehicles to be Tesla, because why let anyone else make cars when you can just force America to buy yours? This deal, approved under mysterious circumstances (some say a DOGE-fueled handshake in a secret Twitter Space), eliminates all competition for light trucks and passenger vehicles, effectively making Tesla the nation’s official ride. But as expected, things are not going well. A Nation in Flames (Literally) Since rolling out the new fleet, law enforcement agencies across the country have reported unprecedented issues. Police Teslas have spontaneously combusted during high-speed chases, causing officers to wonder if they’re catching criminals or auditioning for a Michael Bay film. Others have run out of battery mid-pursuit, leading to some rather anticlimactic arrests: "We almost had him, b...

Where’s Joe? The Post-Presidency Adventures of Joe Biden (And the Secret Service Agents Trying to Keep Up)

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  WASHINGTON, D.C. – It has been several weeks since Joe Biden left the White House, but if you ask him, he might not be entirely sure that he did. At 6:30 AM on a brisk Wednesday morning, a group of White House gardeners were startled when they discovered the former president standing on the South Lawn in his bathrobe, holding a flashlight, and whispering, “Malarkey… malarkey everywhere.” When approached by Secret Service, Biden reportedly pointed at the White House and yelled, "Who let that guy in my house?!" referring, of course, to Donald Trump. “We have a situation,” one agent was heard saying into his earpiece. “Eagle has landed on the wrong timeline again.” Secret Service’s Newest Nightmare: Keeping Up with Joe For most former presidents, the Secret Service’s job is straightforward: keep them safe, secure, and on schedule. But for Biden’s security detail, the job has become more of an Olympic-level scavenger hunt. “Honestly, we thought post-presidency would be e...

White House Runs Out of Executive Order Blanks as Trump Signs 89th Order, Canada Refuses to Resupply

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  WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking development that has left the highest levels of government scrambling, the White House has officially run out of executive order blanks.  The crisis unfolded after former President Donald J. Trump, now back in office through what he calls "the most historic, most legal, and very, very powerful" re-election in history, signed his 89th executive order in just a matter of weeks. Initially, officials believed there was a simple clerical error—perhaps a missing shipment of blank orders buried beneath a pile of unopened subpoenas. But the reality was far worse: The White House’s supply of executive order forms had been manufactured in Canada, and due to ongoing tariff disputes, the Canadian government has officially stopped exporting them to the United States. “This is the worst case of political sabotage in history,” Trump declared in a hastily called press conference. “I mean, I’ve done some very big orders, folks—huge orders, historic orders...

Elon Musk Rebrands U.S. Education as DOLT: "Because Not Everyone Needs High School"

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  Washington, DC - In a bold, unprecedented move, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk has successfully convinced Congress to dissolve the Department of Education and replace it with a revolutionary new system: the Department of Online Learning and Training , or DOLT . Musk, speaking from a Neuralink-powered teleprompter, announced that traditional schooling was “outdated and inefficient” and that the future of education lies in an AI-powered, online-only model that ends at the 8th grade—because, as he put it, “That’s really all most people need for, like, making sandwiches or stocking shelves.” The DOLT System: AI-Generated Education, but Less of It DOLT promises a streamlined, cost-effective way to prepare America’s youth for the workforce. All students are enrolled in Musk Academy , an entirely virtual learning environment powered by X.AI , Musk’s latest artificial intelligence system designed to “teach, test, and track” students with complete efficiency—and minimal human ov...

The Tail of Two Bryans - Bryan's Identical Twin

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Moscow, ID, - These days, everyone has some theory about Bryan Kohberger, but the identical twin story is spot on. It supposedly explains some of his more cryptic statements, like when he asked if anyone else had been arrested and his eerie "I'm here to help you." The story goes like this: Bryan, at some point, discovered a dark family secret. His mother had given away one of her identical twin boys at birth, Aryan Christopher Kohberger, with little to no paper trail. It was a closed adoption, one of those backdoor deals that left no official record. Anonymous hospital staff told us that the mom, in her drug induced confusion after having twins, had named both boys Ryan Christopher. To tell them apart, hospital staff had simply put an A for one, and a B for the other. This somehow transferred to their birth certificates as Aryan and Bryan. Nevertheless, something in Bryan must have felt the missing connection, a pull toward an unknown part of himself. Being obsessi...